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That Bloody Dingo Ant took my Baby Serenity

Posted on Jul 25, 2005. 0 comments

Well truthfully, a whole horde of malicious ants. And the unbearable heat contributed too. We spent the weekend trying to escape the heat and the ant pestilence by skulking around air controlled Bookstores, Home Improvement Mecca's, and Movie Theaters. Just to note: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is magnificent. It's a visual and audible candy repository of delight and amusement. A big Huzzah to Tim Burton, The Oh-so-talented (and looks good in dreads too) Mr. Depp, and
Danny Elfman.
So about the ants, they're everywhere. They typically invade in the late summer months. Our mornings consist of my fury-filled exclamations and proclamations of what I'm going to do to the ants. It usually involves household bleach and crazed mutterings.
Who knew the whole of Southern California was built upon a giant, interconnected ant-mountain? It's a well preserved secret, bent upon keeping the influx of Californian Transplants high. People figure the "ant problem" on top of the Traffic, Earthquakes, and Famous People would be the straw that breaks the camels back, or the Camel Nose in the tent as it were.
I was lucky enough to meet the Mayor of our humble hamlet, and upon introduction launched into "the ant problem." He was gracious and kind, and offered professional help...if we had a red ant problem. I briefly considered getting out some red paint and a tiny paintbrush. But deemed it impractical due to the sheer volume of paint I would need.
I've tried store-bought eradication methods, home remedies, chants, dancing, alarm-setting-offing, pleading, cajoling, and hysteria. The ants are unimpressed. The denouement occurs when they take to the (empty!) coffee maker. I am nothing without my coffee. So when I see a herd of malicious malcontented ants trawling for winter forage in my empty coffee reservoir the battle really heats up. Sadly the little buggers have taken and fortified the coffee territory. I sit here with the caffeine shakes, planning and plotting my coffee pot taking back strategy. Truth be told it involves a decoy coffee pot, one of those camouflage hats with the foliage on top, and a snootful of hard liquor.

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