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Meet My Arch Nemesis

Posted on Jul 27, 2005. 0 comments

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It's the Atomic Force Microscope I'm purportedly using to collect my thesis data. To take my mind off of it's complete and total noncompliance to my nefarious needs I'm going to give my gentle readers, an overview of my Undergraduate Senior Project.
I used a 14" Celestron Telescope with a CCD camera slapped on the end to take images of stars and analyze them for their composition, and to identify which class of stars they were based on their spectra.
Let me briefly list the highlights.
1. It was dark, late, and freezing, literally.
2. The dome was completely mechanical, as opposed to employing those pesky new fangled 20th Century "electronics".
3. Which meant I had to use an Ten Foot Pole to crank open the slit. I wouldn't touch that dome again with a Ten Foot Pole. Make it two Ten Foot Poles!
4. And had to suspend my entire body weight from the heavy chain used to move the dome, to move the dome.
5. The dome needs to be moved multiple times during the night*. *Reference item Two on list.
6. When the Magellan (a digital readout of latitude/longitude) broke, I had to stand on a ladder and point the 'scope using a screw sticking out the side of it to line up with the Stellar Objects. While I was struggling to get hold of a telescope larger than myself, the Astrophysics Professor had the nerve to tell me "Little kids could learn to do it faster than I could."
6a. Then I turned green and grew muscles so big my clothes fell off, and I ripped the telescope off of the ground and crammed my Asshole Professor in it. Then I asked him if he wanted to be aligned mechanically or electronically.
6a. This is also the same Professor who once asked me why I didn't learn obscure and arcane logarithmic identities in the Fourth grade. It should be patently criminal for Nine year olds to know Pedantic Logarithms. I'm just sayin'.
7. When I was under the proverbial gun to collect the last of my data, I spent a never-ending four hour session searching for stars with the lens cap on the 'scope.
8. Professor reviewing class papers refused to proof my paper, offering only that I use "too many words."
I'd like to think he meant in the way Mozart used too many notes.

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