A Word About Hormones

Posted on Mar 29, 2006. 0 comments

Editor's Note: For those of you who were inflamed by my constant harping on Gallbladder disease, you will be equally horrified about my obsession with getting pregnant. The Gallbladder ranting lasted blessedly for 3 or so months before my surgery and for a short time after. Maybe I'm still talking about it but it was SURGERY on my BODY taking away internal organs I'd had my ENTIRE LIFE.
Moving forward I am now working with the Husband on having a baby. And this constant blathering will last from approximately now until I have a child and then my focus will shift to MOTHERHOOD which will last UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

As women we learn from an early age that pregnancy can happen at any moment whether you actually have intercourse or not. Some of us are afraid of looking at men for fear of being impregnated. So we put on a happy face and jaunt off to the Gynie for some happy pills that regulate hormones. If you are anything like me, you take the hormones (funny it gives us the freedom to have sex but takes away the desire to do so) for upwards of a decade or more until baby fever smacks you across the face like a ton of soggy #2 diapers. And then the non hormonal birth control negotiations occur with your life mate and you go back to your Gynie for more violation (and humiliation beyond your wildest dreams) for the hormone free diaphragm.
About a minute and a half later you have your first pregnancy scare because the diaphragm is 80% effective. Then you decide a baby would smell like baby powder instead of poopie and throw all caution to the wind figuring just the act of staring at the Husband will make you pregnant because that's what you learned in school isn't it? Five home pregnancy tests and a month later you visit the bookstore for the much lauded book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" which has you suddenly examining your bodily secretions in a whole new light. By proxy the Husband also becomes the keeper of the secretions knowledge and a whole wealth of new information such as My Wife Has Lost Her Mind. Personally I blame the hormones. As in the hormones the body creates naturally and not the ones in a pill, patch or ring.
Top Ten Hormonal Changes After Birth Control
1. You were sufficiently satisfied with being an occasional Rantzilla before but now sans hormonal birth control you are a full fledged RANTZILLA 2000.
2. Yay verily people will part like the red sea when they hear the rumblings of an approaching RANTZILLA 2000.
3. Your Face erupts more pimples than the Pacific Rim does Lava.
4. The Husband will look at you out of the corner of his eye to see if you are feeling like THE GOOD WIFE or RANTZILLA 2000.
5. He will base all future communications on the precipitous incoming mood indicators.
6. He will expect the mood indicators to shift unexpectedly at any moment.
7. There is a third mood metamorphosis even more powerful than THE GOOD WIFE and RANTZILLA 2000.
8. It is called SNIVELING WAILER.
9. RANTZILLA 2000 AND SNIVELING WAILER fight for dominance daily.
10. The Husband realizes hormones have carried off his wife and RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

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