Guest Blog by The Husband, You Tube Video Courtesy of Fickleknitter
Some new things I have learned now that I am a dad (a guest blog by the
1) There are three types of neonatal nurses, smart, nice and "the rest" (read into that whatever you want). The smart ones work in the NICU, operating room, and recovery. The nice ones work in postpartum. The rest
work in the nursery. I hear this is universal. I don't know why.
2) Those wire-mesh cotton thingies stacked in the commode of the private room at the hospital are not washcloths for the Husband.
3) Maya Ficklebaby is, for the most part, a simple creature. She fusses for one of five reasons: she's hungry, she's in pain, she wants cuddle time, she's overstimulated, and because she can. Feed her, keep her comfortable
(warm, clean-diapered, gas-free), cuddle, and keep her from the Fisher-Price "Stimulatron 2000" until she's older. Womb-regression defussing tools take care of the rest. Sorta.
4) The amount of parental psychosis induced by sleep deprivation is directly proportional to the baby's aggregate fussing between the hours of 10PM and 6AM. This is not news.
5) The five greatest defussing tools invented in the last hundred years:
4) Car/stroller rides
3) The Dishwasher
2) The Dyson
1) The "Happiest Baby on the Block" video.
6) The three greatest defussing tools invented in the last hundred thousand years (or more):
1) Boobies. However much the Husband learns and applies the Principles of Happiest Baby, Mama's breasts are the ultimate arbiter of Fickle household tranquility.
7) The most overrated defussing tools:
1) "The Baby Whisperer". The "EASY" philosophy -- Eat, Activity, Sleep,
You -- is uselessly oversimplified. We have discovered a much better progression:
Yell (the baby, not the Husband),
Eat (mmmm, boobies),
Top-off (the baby, not the Husband),
And our acronym is cooler.
8) Having grandparents around to help out Mom and Dad is way overrated. We are committed to screWing up our kid without their help.
9) The Wife's job is to feed and change and pamper the baby. The Husband's job is to feed and water and pamper the Wife so she can feed and change and pamper the baby. The best way for the Husband to pamper the Wife between 9PM and 1AM is for the Husband to feed and change and papmer the baby. The Wife pampers the Husband by letting him go grocery shopping. In the old days, those were the things the Husband did to pamper the wife.
10) Tivo's "pause" feature is now more important than its fast-forward-through-commercials" feature. Before Maya, we could watch "24" in eighteen. Now, we watch it in thirty-six to forty-eight.
11) Inside every smiling happy baby is a grumpy fussy baby struggling to get out.
12) Inside every smiling happy daddy is a grumpy fussy Husband struggling to get laid.
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