Sally Sunshine is not here right now, try again later
At this point it's either silence or being real about what I'm experiencing. In the spirit of honesty I'll go with the truth. I wish I could be poetic and inspiring with my words today, that I didn't feel such heaviness in my heart about the past year. If only I had some Chopra-eque sound bite to assure everyone that everything will go on as usual. But that's really hard to do when you are slapped in the face with your own mortality.
I'm still grieving the loss of my Father. It's a physical, visceral, self indulgent reaction to his loss in my life. Nighttime is the worst. I turn on the television to get to sleep, only to awaken after 5 minutes as if from a nightmare. But the sad reality is, my Father is still gone. He occupies my thoughts during the day, in an oblique kind of way. I find myself unable to go through the stuff I brought home, the things that belonged to him. So it sits by the computer. An unwelcome reminder that he's gone.
He lived so much life in the between. The time the photograph was taken, immortalizing his youth and the time he died. The warped paper, fading and becoming discolored a testament to the relentless passage of time. His piercing gaze looking back at me from the past. I wish the picture would never fade nor crumble, just as I wish he was among the living. Even with his few words I'd like to sit with him and just be, quietly.
Mike and I went yesterday to get our fingerprints taken, so we can watch our nephew while my Mother in Law undergoes surgery for her breast cancer. We have to have a background check and be approved by the state. Ironic since the State had no interest in my Sister in Law when she was with us. Her Autopsy results came back, the main cause of death being a heart arrhythmia. Fitting that the secondary cause of death was Schizophrenia. So much truth, life, and pain glossed over in such few words.
I like to remember the happier times with Janet. The photograph was taken after a long day at Disneyland, when we celebrated her milestone, a year since she'd been in jail. And so many good things happened for her that year. She was happy and healthy, working toward her library science certificate. She looks relaxed, like she's had a little sun. No physical manifestation of her illness present. I'll work on remembering her that way.
While looking for photographs I stumbled upon this sunset image, taken on my honeymoon.
It was a simple and joyful time, before we'd had all the loss and suffering of the past year. I'd say I'd like to go back to that time, but it's not true. So much good happened during that between. And with time I hope the good consoles me just as much as the bad has shattered me.
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