Saint ValenBahHumbugs

Posted on Jan 21, 2008. 7 comments

Plink Plinky Plink Plink Plink Plink Plink is the sound the Christmas Book makes. Over and over and over and.... All nine keys (no sharps or flats) meshing together to create player piano honkey tonk masterpiece worthy of the Fickle Household. The piano has been generating noise non-stop since I foolishly introduced it to the household from the gift pile.
It plays such classics as "Up on the Rooftop," "Santa Claus is coming to Town," and my favorite "To Grandmothers House we go Back to Grandmother's House the toy should have went." I imagine the just-out-of-tune melodies are perfect accompaniment to the hijinks and shenanigans of homicidal motion picture characters such as Chucky. Or maybe I'm channeling Chucky when I hear my Husband plink out The! Greatest! Hits! From! The! 80's! for the thousandth time in an hour (Truthfully it was Rush that did me in).
Something had to be done, before the hinky piano ended up with its guts spewed out unceremoniously on the playroom floor.
So I consulted my favorite Sale Oracle and off to Traget I went, over the bridge and through the woods.
I found the keyboard on my first pass through electronics, marked $139.98. I felt the price was a bit steep until I realized it was a 76 key model . Naturally I'd prefer the standard 88 key Steinway, but that's definitely not in the budget unless we
1. Win the lottery (kinda hard to do when you don't play)
2. Find a Benefactor
3. Encounter an unexpected windfall.
I decided on the spot that such scenarios weren't likely to happen today and picked up the box to place it in my cart. A brief time later I realized the box was taller than I am and quite unwieldy, particularly when one tries to place it upon a case of bottled water. Fortunately a sympathetic employee helped me heft the enormous box in the cart before I threw out my back or assialed my daughters ears with more than the usual profanity. The cart rolled precariously on two wheels as I made my way to the check-out. Maya kept turning around in her seat further contributing to the wobble.
But we made it. And the lovely lady who checked us out was astounded when the price came up as $49.98. Ten minutes later after the Manager made her way over to approve the sale (the tag did say $139.99 after all) we were on our way. Almost.
I got to the parking lot and realized the humongous box was not going to fit into my car. I tried every way possible to cram the thing into the trunk, pausing to remove my handknit vest before I passed out from a hot flash. The guy parked next to me surely got a laugh as I heroically exerted myself to the point of exhaustion. Finally I decided the keyboard would have to come out of the box and after some more hilarity, I pried it out and crammed it into my trunk. I won't bother you with the next 20 minutes which consisted of me wrangling the empty box into the car, but suffice to say it went and we went and that's the story of how I found my Husband's Valentine's Day gift and it came with blood (I scraped my finger on the damn box), sweat (we've already addressed this, no?), and tears (from the awful caterwauling of the Christmas book, Thanks again Grandma!)
So it is with the Valentine's Day Spirit that I mention my gift to you, dear readers. It's called "Yes I have a Heart, Valentines Edition"
Simply follow the pattern, and knit with red yarn. Or black yarn, if you prefer.


  • Posted by Jamie on Jan 29, 2008

    I am not sure I understand how to read patterns to knit. I saw a woman had said you broke it down for her in English? I am very new to knitting and have a friend who wants a home made hat for her husbands birthday. They are great friends and I would love to do this for her but I cannot figure out how to read a pattern or make one. The farthest I have gotten is making a scarf and the basic dishcloth but cannot figure anything else out? Please help

  • Posted by Heidi on Jan 30, 2008

    you have been tagged

  • Posted by Husband on Jan 21, 2008

    Y’all don’t appreciate just how hard it is to play Rush with nine notes. Having said that, Tom Sawyer is only overrated in the context of the other even way better Rush stuff that rarely-if-ever makes the radio.
    Most of the riffs I’ve committed to memory are actually on the guitar. Aside from being able to play the harmonic riffs on Red Barchetta and Roundabout, yes, I’m pretty sure the riff to Jessie’s Girl is in my neurons somewhere.
    I can’t play a keyboard to save my life. But this will give me inspiration to play all those rock-of-the-70s things. Boston, Doobie Brothers, Foreigner, blah blah. Way cool present, wifey.

  • Posted by lyssa Kaehler on Jan 22, 2008

    I love that your solution to the situation is to get a better keyboard. Really, it’s not going to sound any better when Maya bangs her sticky fists on it, but at least Rush will sound better :)

  • Posted by Melody on Jan 26, 2008

    I completely sympathize with your horrible gift story…I have a few of those myself, though thankfully not a husband who compounds the horribleness of said awful gift. Hope your finger feels better.

  • Posted by Lori on Jan 21, 2008

    That is the best V-Day gift EVER! And, well, blood IS red…fits right in with the theme.
    Hmmmm. A heart. I might give it a go.

  • Posted by Andria on Jan 21, 2008

    That’s the kind of crap that usually happens to me (although there’s usually some jerk on the other side of the aisle laughing at me and my parking lot misery). Does your husband know any Rick Springfield songs? Because seriously, if he does, I AM TOTALLY COMING OVER. “Tom Sawyer” is totally overrated. It’s all about “Jessie’s Girl.”

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