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Reality Wiggles (a guest blog by the Husband)

Posted on Mar 02, 2008. 7 comments

There's a dreadful skeleton in my closet.
Every man has them. For some it's alcohol, for other's it's gambling, for still others it's ‘roid rage, cyberporn, a predilection for almost-but-not-quite-legal co-eds or, Dog help them, the trannies or congressmen at the local shoe-shuffle airport-bathroom stall.
Those are sissy skeletons, every last one. I've got 'em all beat.
At no small risk to my parental credibility I share mine reluctantly with you here: I am the parent who lets his kid watch children’s TV shows under the veil of developmental benefit when in fact I know darn well it makes a better babysitter than an educator.
You know the type: "Oh, yes, I have the entire L1ttle E1nste1n collection and my child is way more advanced than the white-trash parents next door who let their kids watch TMNJ all day", while neglecting to point out that the kiddie-addiction elements that D1$ney puts into each cartoon are far more alluring than the supposed "educational" ones ("Can you say arabesque?" OF COURSE I CAN’T, JUNE, I'M FIFTEEN F*CKIN' MONTHS OLD!! Oooh, pretty yellow ducky!). Oh, and by the way, the eighteen-month-old across the street who has those not-so-white-trash parents is already speaking in polysyllables and they don't even have a TV. Go figure.
The thing of it is, I promised myself oh, ten, maybe fifteen, years ago that I would never be "that parent". Back then, the kiddie addiction was Barney the Dinosaur, and as an unmarried-but-free-thinking conscientious social semi-liberal individual at the time, I deplored all parenting masquerades of the Heliotropic Upper-Triassic variety. But the Moms and Dads of that time were stupefyingly unrelenting: "Got noisy kids? Pop in a Barney tape and you're good. Plus it teaches really good life lessons like sharing and cleaning your room. I love you, you love me."
Bullpuckey. I didn't buy it then and I don't buy it now. But somewhere along the way to being a parent myself I learned an inconvenient reality. The carpet still needs vacuuming. Mom and Dad still need to shower regularly. The dishes and laundry still need to be washed. Lawn needs mowing. The silly bosses at that job I have still expect me to work eight hours a day. And while split-shifting with the Wife helps us get sleep, it's still not enough to manage the daily routine.
So we have twenty-eight episodes of the Wiggles on the DVR, and when we need that half hour to get something done, we pick one at random and turn it on. We strive to keep the number of daily events down, but it's hard.
While saying this may betray denial of truth in favor of keeping my delusional-but-arguably-slightly-eased conscience intact, the fact is I think the show is quite a bit better than Barney: it has bright primary colors, singing, dancing, giant stuffed animals, the messages are simple and useful without being fluffy, plus it's also sorta entertaining for the parents (if for any reason to see that, yes, it is possible for your child's eyes to lock forward without blinking for a half hour straight). While the pedants out there will argue I could just as easily have been describing either show, it's also evident that there's almost no open criticism of the Wiggles, where Barney is rife with it. (Day of the Barney is well worth the hour or two it takes to read in its entirety).
In fact, the only beef I have with the show (and it's a small one) is that it's "all happy". I think reality for most well-adjusted kids is something closer to one-part trauma, three-parts joy, and arguably the kids might do better in the long run if their TV shows reflected that proportion than what's typically portrayed.
So to help balance the score I present, dear readers, Reality Wiggles, a collection of ditties written to the tune of popular Wiggles songs reflecting the perils of both childhood and parental reality. You're likely to recognize every tune if you and your babies watch regularly, and while you might be lucky to recognize one or two if you've never watched, it sure helps to know the show. So send the Wife an e-mail if you need an episode locator for a guideline and I'll tell you where you can find 'em.
Enjoy.
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Nursery School (sung to Nicky-Nacky-Nocky-Noo)
"Hoo! Hoo! Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo!" (repeat after every stanza)
Hands on my toys
Who is that here?
That is the toy-stealer, my Mama Dear
Toy-stealer, toy-stealer, nicky-nacky-nocky-noo
That's what they teach me in nursery school.
Tears in his eyes
who is that here?
That is the cry-baby, my Mama dear
Crybaby, toy-stealer, nicky-nacky-nocky-noo
That's what they teach me in nursery school.
Teeth on my arms
Who is that here?
That is the biting brat, my Mama dear
Biting brat, crybaby, toy-stealer nicky-nacky-nocky-noo
That's what they teach me in nursery school.
Barf in her mouth
Who is that here?
That is the carsick girl, my Mama dear
Carsick girl, biting brat, crybaby, toy-stealer, nicky-nacky-nocky-noo
That's what they teach me in nursery school.
Lips near my ears
Who is that here?
That is the tattletale, my Mama dear
Tattletale, carsick girl, biting brat, crybaby, toy-stealer, nicky-nacky-nocky-noo
That's what they teach me in nursery school.
Lips near her butt
Who is that here?
That is the teacher's pet, my Mama dear
Teacher's pet, tattletale, carsick girl, biting brat, crybaby, toy-stealer, nicky-nacky-nocky-noo
That's what they teach me in nursery school.
"Hoo! Hoo! Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo!"
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Strange Man in the Park (sung to Brown Girl in the Ring)
Strange man in the park (tra la la la laa)
Strange man in the park (traaa, la la la la la)
Strange man in the park (tra la la la laa)
He looks like a weirdo and a bum, bum-bum
Staring at the kiddies (tra la la la laa)
Staring at the kiddies (traaa, la la la la la)
Staring at the kiddies (tra la la la laa)
He looks like a weirdo and a bum, bum-bum
Hiding in the bushes (tra la la la laa)
Hiding in the bushes (traaa, la la la la la)
Hiding in the bushes (tra la la la laa)
He acts like a pervert and a bum, bum-bum
Offering them candy (tra la la la laa)
Offering them candy (traaa, la la la la la)
Offering them candy (tra la la la laa)
Oh my god! He's a pervert and a bum, bum-bum
Call a polieceman (tra la la la laa)
Call a polieceman (traaa, la la la la la)
Call a polieceman (tra la la la laa)
'Cuz that man is a pervert and a bum, bum-bum
Goin' to the pokey (tra la la la laa)
Goin' to the pokey (traaa, la la la la la)
Goin' to the pokey (tra la la la laa)
'Cuz that man is a pervert and a bum, bum-bum
Strange man in the park (tra la la la laa)
Strange man in the park (traaa, la la la la la)
Strange man in the park (tra la la la laa)
Oh, that man was a pervert and a bum, bum-bum
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Poopie Doo! (sung to Hoop De Doo)
Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap) Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap)
My daughter's bottom is all covered in poo
Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap) Poopie dee! (clap clap clap clap)
Makes changing diapers so much harder for me
Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap) Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap)
It's really got my kid uptight
So hold me down my breath and guts
It's time for me to wipe some butts
I'm Poopie-doo-'n it tonight!
(hey!)
When her bottom's blowing ra-ta-ta-ta-ta
I get a chill (and not the good kind)
I always will (he always will)
When I hear my daughter grunting while she waffles to and fro
I start to woe (he starts to woe)
She's "letting go" (she's "letting go")
When the kibble hits the middle of the diaper it's a riddle how the smell gets out so quick
It often smells so bad that I could die
But I suck it up and deal
So the contents don't congeal
cuz I'm a "poopie-doo-'n" kind of guy...
(hey!)
Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap) Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap)
(instrumental with clarinets, accordions and other polka regalia)
Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap) Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap)
(This is serious polka here, folks, think Lawrence Welk conducts the Schmenges)
Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap) Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap)
(What's the matter, you don't like polka? You try knitting a freakin’ accordion cozy)
Ho (ho) Ho (ho) Ho (ho) Ho (ho)
Poopie-doo-'n it tonight!
(hey!)
When her bottom's blowing ra-ta-ta-ta-ta
I oft contend (to FickleWife)
There's no impend (ing diaper change)
When I hear my daughter grunting while she waffles to and fro
I start to crow (at least "project")
"There won't be flow" (or so I think)
And then the kibble hits the middle of the diaper and I riddle how I never dodge the job
Wife catches me no matter how I try
She says Stop your girly squeal
Simply pull the tape and peel
And so re-luctantly I do comply...
(hey!)
Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap) Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap)
My daughter's diaper rash is rivaled by few
Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap) Poopie dee! (clap clap clap clap)
Makes keeping Desitin a challenge for me
Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap) Poopie doo! (clap clap clap clap)
The redness really is a fright
Still I must quickly clean the grime
Cuz in another hour's time she's
Poopie-doo-'n it with all of her might
"I need diapers! I need wipes!"
Find your head and stop your gripes!
Poopie-doo-'n it (clap clap)
Poopie-doo-'n it (clap clap)
Poopie-doo-'n it tonight!
(Poopieeee!!!)
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Lead-Paint Car (sung to Big Red Car)
Our child won a door prize
A little toy Jaguar
We checked the 'net for recalls
Turns out it was a lead-paint car.
Toot-toot chugga-chugga lead-paint car
Manufactured in a country afa-a-ar
Toot-toot chugga-chugga lead-paint car
They're breakin' laws the whole day long
We called the local manufacturer
They said the offshore plant was to blame
We called the Beijing authorities
There's no lead they loudly disclaim
Toot-toot chugga-chugga lead-paint car
This time the Chinese are going too fa-a-ar
Toot-toot chugga-chugga lead-paint car
We're gettin' mad the whole day long
Our boy was really intelligent
In school he should have been a star
But now he's riding the short bus
Because he teethed on the lead-paint car
Toot-toot chugga-chugga lead-paint car
The situation is kinda biza-a-arre
Toot-toot chugga-chugga lead-paint car
He's "getting slow" the whole day long
Economic sanctions
Are likely to fall flat
I think the best motivator
Is a pissed mom with a baseball bat
Toot-toot chugga-chugga lead-paint car
There's some lawyers out there that I hope they disbaa-a-ar
Toot-toot chugga-chugga lead-paint car
We're fightin' back the whole day long
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Rolling off the Bedrail (sung to Rolling Down the Sandhills)
Rolling off the bedrail, Rolling off the bedrail
Oof! Thud! Waaaahhhh! (wah wah wah wah wah)
Rolling off the bedrail, Rolling off the bedrail
Oof! Thud! Waaaahhhh!
Gotta call the doctor
Won't you fix the rail for me?
Rolling off the bedrail, Rolling off the bedrail
Oof! Thud! Waaaahhhh! (wah wah wah wah wah)
Rolling off the bedrail, Rolling off the bedrail
Oof! Thud! Waaaahhhh!
Gotta clean a head wound
Fix the f*ckin' rail for me!!

Comments

  • Posted by toni in florida on Mar 20, 2008

    Too funny! I was laughing out loud at Poopie-doo and at the short-bus couplet in the lead-paint song!

  • Posted by La on Mar 03, 2008

    I don’t know which is more disturbing…the almost use of my favorite word used in child-programming context, or the fact that hubbie dearest has written lyrics to Wiggles songs!
    Gotta love him!

  • Posted by Carrie K on Mar 03, 2008

    One would think you’re not getting all the sleep you need……
    When’re the songs hitting iTunes?

  • Posted by Lella on Mar 04, 2008

    Hahahaha! Great post! The twins folded their own diapers while they watched Sesame Street. I washed the dishes.

  • Posted by Lori on Mar 02, 2008

    Although “Poopie Doo” is rather long it does speak the most truth of all the jingles.
    I have a crush on Captain Feathersword.

  • Posted by Joanm on Mar 02, 2008

    Hey Michelle,
    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Your daughter is so delightful. I don’t know how you get time to knit so much. Great going.
    I must confess to letting rowan watch Annie three times while his mum slept and I tried to catch up with the housework. Now I can’t get the songs out of my head.

  • Posted by AlisonH on Mar 03, 2008

    When my kids were babies, Sesame Street came on at I think it was 5:00. I always thought that said that the folks there knew how to campaign for fundraising dollars—keep the parents happy by letting them cook dinner by distracting the hungry kids.

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