Over-caffeinated, Underfed and Ambitious

Posted on May 25, 2008. 11 comments

We visited a petting zoo on Friday.
I made the terrible mistake of stopping for coffee on the way to the zoo. My child sensed there was a water fountain within walking distance of the coffee with her spidey sense. She also sensed that she was not going to submerge her person in the water and responded by turning into a 300 pound wet noodle, crying hysterically in a heap on the sidewalk. A helpful matronly sort stopped mid stride (presumably) to help by inquiring "What is WRONG with her?" The helpful spirit stood glaring and gawking while I scooped up my now flailing shrieking octopus child while I balanced a cup of coffee, a bag of coffee beans, some bribery madeline cookies (which were useless but made a terrific snack for me later), my wallet, my car keys, and my diaper bag. I finally managed a retort to her hands-on-hips-I'm-watching-you-but-not-serving-any-useful-purpose. "She's One and a half, everything is tragic."
My sister warned me of the coming recriminations, the public judging, and the gawking that accompany parenthood, but when it finally happened to me I was shocked.
Good thing she's worth the trouble.
Speaking of bribery cookies, I got the Wii Fit for my anniversary. Mainly due to some strong armed tactics from me and the lovely woman that works at our local game shop (Thank you nice lady, me love you long time). I was so excited about wii fit until it told me I was a fat ass, showed me my dismal BMI, AND THEN had the nerve to ask me if I fall down while walking.
My balance needs some work, my virtual trainer said. Perhaps next time I'll try to put the hamburger down.
And finally, because I am Thirteen I present the picture of the day.
Because we were near the house of the Lord, he sent a hummer within range of my camera lens.
Today's message is clear. Hummer drivers are sucking up all the oil which is really meant to be acrylic yarn. Ergo Hummer drivers should stop stealing acrylic that belongeth to me.
So say we all.


  • Posted by Mrs. H on May 27, 2008

    I remember the kid flailing on the ground thing from when my kids were small. Here’s what you do if it happens again. calmly look the woman in the eye and say, “She’s just upset because we’re on our way to her exorcism.” Smile sweetly and then ignore her. :)

  • Posted by Kim on Jun 02, 2008

    This post was my ab workout for today. I swear, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Although, it has given me pause regarding my own impending purchase of wii fit. Considering that I have managed to classify both knitting and walking up my stairs to go to bed as “an exercise regiment”, I pale to think what a virtual wii trainer would say about my personal BMI.
    Putting down the cheeseburger wouldn’t even BEGIN to cover it……….

  • Posted by AlisonH on May 26, 2008

    Here’s a post for you:

  • Posted by Andria on May 26, 2008


  • Posted by razorknitgirl on May 26, 2008

    I heart the oxy moron or double negative, er, whatever it may be… Dick Church. full of win!
    It’s those damn Hummers stealin’ all of our acrylic! I knew it!!

  • Posted by toni in florida on May 25, 2008

    So say we all.

  • Posted by AlisonH on May 26, 2008

    Now I have to go explain to my patient parents behind me why I’m laughing so hard I can hardly type. (They’re here visiting.) Oh, can I ever relate! And what a marvelous comeback! And again re the Hummer!
    I had four kids in just under six years; I SO remember the days. I now pack handknitted fingerpuppets from Peru in my purse at all times to charm little ones and give their parents a break and a knowing nod to say, even when they’re crying, their little kid is cute.
    Because they are!!

  • Posted by Carrie K on May 25, 2008

    You didn’t try to pet that terrifying yet lovable looking animal, did you?
    Ah, judging parental fitness. The most fun spectator sport ever.

  • Posted by Wendy on May 25, 2008

    Meh, that lady was just brain damaged…good thing it also seems that she’s never bred because the wet flailing noodle behavior set seems to come standard with the whole learning-to-be-a-human-being thing.
    I don’t even have kids and I know this.
    I would have laughed at your tragic comment, but I wouldn’t have been standing there like a judgmental @sshole in the first place. Honestly, who just stands and watches someone struggle, esp. after insulting their kid? Either help or f#ck off, geez.
    I can’t believe that alpaca is local to you; it needs tooth-whitening. (and prolly bigger boobs too; alpacas are sadly lacking in the lovely lady lumps camelid humps dept.)

  • Posted by Elinor on May 25, 2008

    OMG, we are living parallel lives except you get way better bribes (mine are stale triscuits and, if I’m lucky, goldfish). Oh wait, that’s because we both have kids the exact same age. Riiight. It’s even better that coffee is involved – that seems to bring out B’s crazy like nothing else.
    The few times I’ve encountered an idiot like that, I try to be as deadpan as possible when I explain that I torture my kid.

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