Tales from the Knitting Basket

Posted on Jun 03, 2008. 12 comments

I am not much of a joiner. Once a decade or so I decide to fight my destiny and join things. It used to be record clubs, message board forums, and school band organizations. In the recent past it was a Knitting Group. I never realized you should have anything other than yarn and needles to join a Knitting Group, but there is a not to be questioned hierarchical structure, a 40 page instruction manual on how one must behave, when we meet, where we meet, and what one should bring when we meet. Thou shalt not mention the merits or perils of acrylic, circular needles versus straights, the use of short rows versus wrap and turn, and god help the fool who wants to discuss crochet. The casual mention of crochet will cause the gasp and collective pearl clasp, a very public shunning, followed by a mandatory rehabilitation period where one must listen to talk radio until your status as a good standing member is restored.
And then I started to take note of the members. There is one member in particular (there's one in every group, who knits toilet paper cozies and places them upon frightening looking plastic dolls whose eyes follow you everywhere you move in the bathroom) whose steadfast determination to continue the making of toilet paper doll cozies colors her every action. This is precisely the type of individual who should never under any circumstance hold any position of power, but inevitably does, and when the rest of the group pulls the hastily wolf dyed wool off of their eyes they realize the catastrophe that lies ahead.
First and foremost toilet paper cozy makers should never be given power over email distribution lists. The first emails seemed innocent enough.
Dear Fickleknitter,
It has come to my attention that you arrived 5 minutes late to Knitting Group last Monday Evening. I believe there is a lack of respect toward the Knitting Group(TM) when you flout my authority by being late. I know it may seem hypocritical of me since I myself was fifteen minutes late BUT I AM PRESIDENT (but you can call me Evita, you dirty little descamisado! And if I catch you talking about my most unfortunate shade of lip color again you will be publicly caned with 10 strands of wet acrylic). Please do not waste my time, the Knitting Group's time, and God's time by arriving late. If you can not abide by the rules in our sacred rule book ACTION WILL BE TAKEN.
PS I have a new home based business selling accessories for Toilet Paper Doll Cozies (TM). Please see our Knitting Group Newsletter (or my convenient ad ridden website) for details.

And then the Toilet Paper Artist Spam email starts. I opened the first one, wondering why I shouldn't buy gas on Thursdays.
Soon I was sitting in the corner of the shunned rocking gently back and forth wondering how I was going to live my life since I could no longer go to the atm, sit on a toilet (take that creepy Doll Stalker Eyes!), or plug in an air freshener. Next I suppose she'll tell me signing internet petitions that demand the return of Firefly are pointless.
And yet for some ridiculous reason I opted to continue down the path of well paved intentions and return to Knitting Group although the writing was on the wall. Each Monday Evening at the same time and location more craziness would ensue.
I must really like to rubberneck. Or perhaps it feels good on my supremely tall horse. It's no matter really, because the emails continued to pour in, each one more ridiculous than the last.
Dear Descamisado Fickleknitter,
It has come to my attention that not only were you twenty minutes late last week, but that you also brought items that did not directly pertain to the knitting of toilet paper doll cozies. I heard you whining to the other knit plebes that size 15 needles hurt your wrist but non toilet paper cozy knitting WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. Also I am fairly sure it was you who stole my beautiful lip color and applied it to my most precious toilet paper doll while I was in line for coffee. Just know that the mustache and devil horns were GROSSLY INACURRATE and IS NOT APPRECIATED.
Jesus Loves You,
PS Sale TODAY ONLY on Toilet Paper Cozy Products! Most toilet paper cozy products are manufactured with formaldehyde and rusty nails. To learn more about how to keep formaldehyde and rusty nails from the children PLEASE BUY TODAY.

Each email became more and more ridiculous than the last. Eventually we were required by Evita to show up with out needles, yarn, books, or personal effects. The Knitting Group was now "Sit and quietly stare at the wall lest we wake the Beast" Group and by god I'll be darned if I didn't see the light. I have an army of Toilet Paper Cozied Dolls staring at me with lifeless eyes right now. So what if a few of them are wearing unfortunate lip color and sporting horns and a tail. I'm a member of the collective now!
The previous entry was written while Fickleknitter attended an intense two week deprogramming program. She has avowed herself of any and all participation in clubs, groups, organizations, and at home parties, even if it results in fodder for the blog reading masses (or person as the case may be). Let her mistakes be a lesson to you, dear friends, on the perils of group participation. Good day.


  • Posted by renee on Jun 19, 2008

    Dude….I feel for you. I think you need to splinter off and make your own group that meets somewhere else, way out of her driving range.

  • Posted by anmiryam on Jun 03, 2008

    Beware the power of toilet paper cozies, they will always know…

  • Posted by Heidi on Jun 05, 2008

    that is tragic… when you come to visit me someday :) You will have to come to mine.. the coolest group of artsy knitters who are laid back,mellow, and accepting of anyone despite what they knit crochet etc……I am usually about an hour late, and they all know that is because I have to get my kids in bed before I can come out to play..
    shame on her… shame shame shame….

  • Posted by stephanie on Jun 17, 2008

    When my old LYS closed, two groups split off. Ours and theirs. Ours is a closed group that meets at my house (come anytime you’re in atlanta!) and their group is open. I made the mistake of getting on the mail list and oh my. do I ever regret that. I’m getting at least 20 e-mails of crap a week. They’re nice people, at least. just not whom I’d like to play with. KWIM? We snarkyknitters are much more fun.

  • Posted by Carrie K on Jun 03, 2008

    I LOVE Toilet Paper Cozies! Not that I’ve knit any. Or own any. Or would. I just find them strangely comforting. In someone else’s home. Who is on the far side of 90. (Come to think of it, my aunt has a few. She’s not even close to 90. Huh).
    And now I’m going to have to inspect toilet seats for spiders. They said it was unlikely, not impossible.

  • Posted by Lori on Jun 03, 2008

    I think I peed myself I laughed so hard.
    You should join my group.
    It is called “The Sit Around And Talk About Knitting But Never Decide On Something To Actually Knit” group. We meet sometimes. Somewhere.

  • Posted by La on Jun 03, 2008

    I agree with Andria. You should only knit with hoars.

  • Posted by Michelle on Jun 03, 2008

    No Cozies except for Diet Coke Cozies and Swiffer Cozies. Other than that NO COZIES ALLOWED!111

  • Posted by Kim on Jun 03, 2008

    The horror. If I’d encountered similar banshees at my first knit group i would never have ventured into another coffee establishment in my lifetime, let alone attempted to knit with other humans.
    Wish you were here in AZ. You could come with me and my peep (you heard me, one peep) and hang. And if you wanted to draw a mustache onto my face with lipstick, i would totally let you. Cuz it would be funny. And I totally appreciate funny. Even at my own expense.

  • Posted by marri on Jun 03, 2008

    oh girl, you need to come join our pasadena knit night! i know it’s a trek, but i swear all the ladies are lovely. socks, sweaters, and scarves abound! we have one girl who works at an ebay store, and another that is a native plant botanist. i regale everyone with hilarious stories about tween brand guidelines. i swear it’s a good time!

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