Tales from the Knitting Basket
I am not much of a joiner. Once a decade or so I decide to fight my destiny and join things. It used to be record clubs, message board forums, and school band organizations. In the recent past it was a Knitting Group. I never realized you should have anything other than yarn and needles to join a Knitting Group, but there is a not to be questioned hierarchical structure, a 40 page instruction manual on how one must behave, when we meet, where we meet, and what one should bring when we meet. Thou shalt not mention the merits or perils of acrylic, circular needles versus straights, the use of short rows versus wrap and turn, and god help the fool who wants to discuss crochet. The casual mention of crochet will cause the gasp and collective pearl clasp, a very public shunning, followed by a mandatory rehabilitation period where one must listen to talk radio until your status as a good standing member is restored.
And then I started to take note of the members. There is one member in particular (there's one in every group, who knits toilet paper cozies and places them upon frightening looking plastic dolls whose eyes follow you everywhere you move in the bathroom) whose steadfast determination to continue the making of toilet paper doll cozies colors her every action. This is precisely the type of individual who should never under any circumstance hold any position of power, but inevitably does, and when the rest of the group pulls the hastily wolf dyed wool off of their eyes they realize the catastrophe that lies ahead.
First and foremost toilet paper cozy makers should never be given power over email distribution lists. The first emails seemed innocent enough.
It has come to my attention that you arrived 5 minutes late to Knitting Group last Monday Evening. I believe there is a lack of respect toward the Knitting Group(TM) when you flout my authority by being late. I know it may seem hypocritical of me since I myself was fifteen minutes late BUT I AM PRESIDENT (but you can call me Evita, you dirty little descamisado! And if I catch you talking about my most unfortunate shade of lip color again you will be publicly caned with 10 strands of wet acrylic). Please do not waste my time, the Knitting Group's time, and God's time by arriving late. If you can not abide by the rules in our sacred rule book ACTION WILL BE TAKEN.
PS I have a new home based business selling accessories for Toilet Paper Doll Cozies (TM). Please see our Knitting Group Newsletter (or my convenient ad ridden website) for details.
And then the Toilet Paper Artist Spam email starts. I opened the first one, wondering why I shouldn't buy gas on Thursdays.
Soon I was sitting in the corner of the shunned rocking gently back and forth wondering how I was going to live my life since I could no longer go to the atm, sit on a toilet (take that creepy Doll Stalker Eyes!), or plug in an air freshener. Next I suppose she'll tell me signing internet petitions that demand the return of Firefly are pointless.
And yet for some ridiculous reason I opted to continue down the path of well paved intentions and return to Knitting Group although the writing was on the wall. Each Monday Evening at the same time and location more craziness would ensue.
I must really like to rubberneck. Or perhaps it feels good on my supremely tall horse. It's no matter really, because the emails continued to pour in, each one more ridiculous than the last.
Dear Descamisado Fickleknitter,
It has come to my attention that not only were you twenty minutes late last week, but that you also brought items that did not directly pertain to the knitting of toilet paper doll cozies. I heard you whining to the other knit plebes that size 15 needles hurt your wrist but non toilet paper cozy knitting WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. Also I am fairly sure it was you who stole my beautiful lip color and applied it to my most precious toilet paper doll while I was in line for coffee. Just know that the mustache and devil horns were GROSSLY INACURRATE and IS NOT APPRECIATED.
Jesus Loves You,
PS Sale TODAY ONLY on Toilet Paper Cozy Products! Most toilet paper cozy products are manufactured with formaldehyde and rusty nails. To learn more about how to keep formaldehyde and rusty nails from the children PLEASE BUY TODAY.
Each email became more and more ridiculous than the last. Eventually we were required by Evita to show up with out needles, yarn, books, or personal effects. The Knitting Group was now "Sit and quietly stare at the wall lest we wake the Beast" Group and by god I'll be darned if I didn't see the light. I have an army of Toilet Paper Cozied Dolls staring at me with lifeless eyes right now. So what if a few of them are wearing unfortunate lip color and sporting horns and a tail. I'm a member of the collective now!
The previous entry was written while Fickleknitter attended an intense two week deprogramming program. She has avowed herself of any and all participation in clubs, groups, organizations, and at home parties, even if it results in fodder for the blog reading masses (or person as the case may be). Let her mistakes be a lesson to you, dear friends, on the perils of group participation. Good day.
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