Code Black! Get that Poor Girl out of here.

Posted on Sep 24, 2008. 13 comments

According to Wikipedia, South Coast Plaza is

An upscale shopping mall in Costa Mesa, California, USA, in Orange County, and one of the most notable shopping centers in the United States. In 2004, Women's Wear Daily reported that the mall had the highest sales per square foot of any mall in California, at about $800. It is also the third biggest mall in the United States.

The mall's collection of boutiques and department stores has made it one of the most alluded-to malls in the world. Characters in The OC, Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County, Clueless, and Beverly Hills 90210 all mention this particular shopping center as a center of teenage life. One sign of South Coast Plaza's prominence is its frequent inclusion as a store location in designer advertisements, alongside world shopping destinations like London, Paris, Milan, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Beverly Hills, Bal Harbor, Boston, Chicago, and New York City.

South Coast Plaza is a special kind of hell reserved for those times when I'm not occupied writing to the manufacturers of my favorite shampoo telling them how much I like their product.
Visiting South Coast Plaza is as fun as Surgery. But not the elective kind.
I'd rather go to the Dentist after being stung by a thousand bees than visit South Coast Plaza.
I'd rather walk over broken glass that has been set afire than visit South Coast Plaza.
South Coast Plaza where even the mannequins do yoga (and the Inanimate Department Store Dummies do too).
Going to South Coast Plaza is task reserved only for those times of complete and utter desperation. I'll buy online or from Costco if I have a choice, but every one gets fragged once in a while.
Across the Rainbow Bridge
Apple, The Paul Frank Store, Diesel, Crate & Barrel, and Pottery Barn (and all the other stores that are remotely interesting) are all centrally located in the B section of South Coast Plaza. The term B list originates from it's usage at South Coast Plaza. B-list translates to shops for people who merely aspire to obscenely upper middle class.
Here are some simple examples of the differences between A and B listers.
Air temperature cold enough to preserve the semi petrification on patron's (surprised on purpose!) faces.
Air temperature so hot I sweat off half my body weight pushing 30 pound child in 30 pound stroller. (Is that part of the A-list diet plan? Will I be thinner with bigger boobs by the time I walk outside to my Hummer?)
Security meets every one as they step off the elevator in to the "Penthouse" which is home to places such as Yves St Laurant and Oscar de la Renta.
Smarmy Sales associate in Sports Tragic helpfully sends you directly to elevator that serves the floor you're on and the parking garage. (Is that a hint?)
I've made a Terror Alert of the types of A-listers who would shop in the Wealthier than Oprah A-List section (and for the rest of us who wish to avoid anything to do with the alphabet).
Today the alert was yellowish orange with a flash of black (that was me scurrying out of there as fast as my ass would carry me).


  • Posted by thepatternslave on Sep 26, 2008

    white flint? really?? Maybe when I was a kid in the 80’s but nowadays it’s rather dark and dated and skeezy feeling. totally living on it’s location and reputation. Tysons II was much nicer, but I haven’t been there in years.

  • Posted by Heidi on Sep 29, 2008

    You’re friggin nuts! How do you have this much time/energy?

  • Posted by Carrie K on Sep 30, 2008

    I avoid malls like the plague they are anyway. But I still want a Hummer.

  • Posted by monica on Sep 24, 2008

    That chart is very very helpful. Here you’d have to add a category for Richer than Porn Stars (although I guess you’d have to add one there too.)

  • Posted by Lori on Sep 24, 2008

    Is there a Chic-Fil-A? Because that might make it worth it.

  • Posted by Susan on Sep 24, 2008

    Hah! I know what you mean. I lived in Orange or Anaheim most of my life and I swear I’ve set foot in that mall less than 10 times. It’s frightening. Although, it is fun to go to the A side and laugh at what people are willing to spend that much money on.

  • Posted by Lyssa on Sep 24, 2008

    God, that sounds awful.
    My LA-county version of hell is The Grove. That place gives me the heebie jeebies, but I’m sure it could be worse.

  • Posted by La on Sep 24, 2008

    BUT, would you rather drive a Hummer?

  • Posted by Roberta on Sep 24, 2008

    There is a special entrance and path that will lead you straight to GAP, right past MNG… but only those stores. I’ve broken out once or twice and gone to Banana Republic but then they kick me out of the mall.

  • Posted by Kendra on Sep 24, 2008

    You have precisedly described the refined horrors of that place. Do you think it has something to do with Orange County? Most of the “B” stores you describe have places on the 3rd St Promenade (spare me) in Santa Monica, which is awful, but at least open.

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